Here's the funniest opponent each P5 school has never beaten
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As somebody with no attachment whatsoever to either program, I have to admit, my first reaction to seeing Miami, as a 26 point favorite, lose to Middle Tennessee State was "this is very funny." After all, MTSU had literarily never beaten a team ranked in the AP Top 25 before. Miami is the school with the billionaire dropping NIL bags, the mystique, the expectations...and Middle Tennessee State is a directional school that doesn't even have a proper direction in their name. So these upsets are hilarious.
But what is even funnier is that it turns out that Middle Tennessee State is 3-0 all time against Miami. The Hurricanes have never beaten the Blue Raiders. Also, they're apparently 0-2 against Western Kentucky, which is also very funny.
It's not shocking that there would be some terrible losses in the annuals of Miami Hurricanes football history. Sure, the program was a national power in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s, but big time college football wasn't really a thing in Florida before the 1950s. But I honestly didn't know that Middle Tennessee State University existed in the 1930s, let alone that they were traveling to Florida to play college football games.
That Miami, one of the 25 winningest programs in college football history, is 0-5 against directional Kentuckys and Tennessees, is very funny. But it got me thinking...surely other schools have similar stories, no?
So I pulled out my College Football Encyclopedia, fired up Winspedia and Sports Reference, and got to looking.
Here are, to the best of my knowledge, the funniest teams each Power 5 school has never beaten.
Stick with me here, I know this a long one, but you'll want to bookmark this the next time you want to make fun of somebody.
Alabama has won more bowl games than any other school. By every conceivable metric, they've been one of the most consistently excellent programs in all of college football history. They have winning records against Ohio State, USC, every single SEC team, and almost every power program ever.
But Alabama is 0-1 against Northern Illinois. They're 0-1 against UCF. And most importantly...they're 0-3 against Rice.
That's why the only processed carbohydrates Nick Saban messes with come in Little Debbie boxes. The man must be terrified of Rice.
The Wildcats are o-2 against Tulsa, 0-2 against Fresno State, and 0-4 against Rice.
Consider this...Arizona State is winless against Miami OH (0-1), Eastern Michigan (0-1) and Abilene Christian (0-1). On the plus side, it doesn't look like they've ever played Rice.
The Pigs are 0-1 against San Jose State, 0-1 against Toledo, 0-1 against Western Kentucky, and 0-1 against something called Dallas Medical.
In other news, here's an unrelated picture of a pig hat.
For a program famous for being generally unpredictable and chaotic, Auburn's library of mid-major infamy is surprisingly small. The Tigers are undefeated against MAC and MWC opponents, after all. But they are 0-1 against USF, 0-2 against the dastardly Rice Owls, and a combined 0-4 against Marquette, George Washington and Davidson, all schools that no longer sponsor FBS football.
Baylor may be an excellent program now, but they were pretty terrible for a long time, so there's all sorts of lopsided historical W-L records against power programs (don't google the series against Texas, for example). The Bears are also 0-2 against UConn, 0-1 against Liberty and 0-2 against UAB.
The Eagles are o-1 against the Ohio Bobcats, 0-1 against the Nevada Wolfpack, and most importantly, 0-5 against Brown. Also, they have a losing record against Phillips Andover Academy, which is a high school for impossibly rich people.
Winning record against Alabama though! (3-1). This sport is stupid.
Cal actually has notched at least one win against every modern mid-major opponent they've played except Tulane and SMU, and there isn't anything especially hilarious about being a combined 0-2 against those programs. Cal is winless against programs like the Alameda Coast Guard, Del Monte Pre-Flight, and something called "Commercial Club." That's much funnier.
Lil' ol Clemson doesn't have a lot of especially embarrassing losses in the history books. They're 0-1 against Marshall, 0-1 against South Florida and 0-1 against Army, but you really have to dig in football's Paleolithic era to find the truly shocking box scores. Dig back far enough, and you'll see that Clemson is 0-1 against Oglethorpe, 0-1 against Georgia Navy Pre-Flight, and 0-3 against the famous Praying Colonels of Centre College.
Colorado is probably the worst team in the P5 this year, and if they lined up, I think multiple FCS teams could beat them. Historically though, the Buffs don't have a ton of teams they haven't beaten, in part because they haven't scheduled that many mid-majors. Colorado is winless against Toledo and Tulane, but the funnier examples are further back...schools like Cal St.-Sacramento and the University of Chicago. They're also 0-15 against USC all-time, but I don't know if that's funny or frustrating.
As you might expect, Duke's record against many P5 programs is absolutely brutal. They're 0-23 against Florida State, and they're well under .500 in ACC play. That makes it hard to find something that's actually funny...but the Blue Devils are 0-2 against UConn.
The Gators are 0-1 against Indiana, but they've avenged most of their other most embarrassing losses. However, Florida is a whopping 0-4 against Villanova.
The most interesting story is whether Florida beat the Cuban Athletic Club. The entire story is worth its own Extra Points newsletter, but here's a brief Wiki overview of the ill-fated Bacardi Bowl:
The Noles have been dominant against most opponents they've faced....except out West. Florida State is a combined 0-4 against Wyoming, Boise State and San Diego State. They actually have a losing record against the entire Mountain West, which is funny when you realize that they're 37-6 against the Big Ten.
They're also 0-1 against UTEP, which I know is in Conference USA, but is in the Mountain Time Zone.
Second most bowl victories ever. Top 15 winningest program ever. Winless against Miami OH, Navy and Holy Cross.
Winless against Northern Illinois, Fresno State and Carnegie Mellon.
Illinois is winless in single meetings against Eastern Michigan, Hawaii, Navy, USF, UTSA and 0-2 against Louisiana Tech and Fresno State.
The Hoosiers have lost nearly 700 college football games in their illustrious history, so their Winspedia profile does have a lot of red. The funniest potential note here is that the Hoosiers have a losing record against every Power Five league...EXCEPT the SEC, where they are 33-26-3. In addition to dreadful records against most power conference opposition, Indiana is winless against Xavier, Fordham, Detroit, Harvard, and something called Indianapolis Light Artillery.
The Hawkeyes are a good 50 games under .500 in Big Ten play, but they've mostly avoided hilarious 0-fors against lightly regarded opposition, and they've typically avenged those defeats when they did happen. Iowa is, however, winless against Physicians & Surgeons, Centenary and something called a Doane.
They're a hundred games under .500 against Big 12 and Big Ten opponents, and have a losing record against every power conference...but the Cyclones have usually gotten revenge on the smaller schools that upset them. They're currently winless against Louisiana-Lafayette and New Mexico State, along with Villanova, who does not play FBS football anymore.
People forget this, but Kansas football wasn't always the unstoppable juggernaut that you see today.
Historically, Kansas has yet to notch a win against Ohio (0-3!), Bowling Green, Coastal Carolina (0-3!) or Army.
They do have winning records against USC and Oregon though!
For a team as historically futile as Kansas State, a program with a losing record against every P5 conference AND the AAC (and they're barely over .500 against the MWC), the Wildcats have almost no embarrassing winless marks. They are 0-2 against Army and 0-2 against Frenso State, but neither of those marks are that funny. An 0-3 historical mark against Northern Iowa, however, is.
Kentucky seems to struggle against other traditional basketball powers. They're 0-4 against Duke, 0-3-1 against Kansas, and winless against Syracuse, Pitt and Boston College. Then again, they're also 0-2 against Northwestern....so....maybe basketball success doesn't mean anything.
Winless against Miami OH, Air Force, Louisiana Tech and Indiana. They're also a staggering 0-13 against Xavier, a Big East school without a football team.
Winless against Cincinnati, Army, Rutgers AND Maryland...and also Santa Clara.
Zero wins against Marshall, Miami OH, Northwestern and Alexandria Episcopal HS.
We also already did Miami, so let's skip to
Technically, the program has more wins all-time than anybody else.
Except against Toledo (0-1). Or Kansas State (0-1). Or Wesleyan (0-1, plus tens of thousands of waitlisted Michigan students).
Technically, if you count the Toledo War, Michigan is 0-2 against Toledo.
Winless against Colorado State, Louisiana Tech, BYU, Army, Creighton and Marietta.
More respectable than you'd think. The Gophers actually have a winning record against Alabama, Texas, Clemson, Oregon and Washington. The only current FBS mid-major to have an undefeated record against them is Hawaii. In prehistoric times, Minnesota is winless against just Iowa Navy Pre-Flight and Chicago Naval Reserve. If you want to make fun of Minnesota, you'll just have to think of something else.
0-3 against Indiana, winless against the Air Force, and 0-5 against Georgia Tech...but that's about it, unless you want to count that 0-1 record against Cal Poly-Pomona.
Weirdly 0-6 against Maryland? Also winless against Temple and Fordham.
Winless against Duke, BYU, Georgia Southern, the Carlisle Indian School, Saint Louis, and modernity.
Winless against USF in two tries, and Rice in one. Also, they're 0-7 against Yale, and winless against Harvard and Princeton over multiple tries.
North Carolina State
Akron is currently undefeated against NC State. So is Wyoming (2-0!), Manhattan and George Washington.
Northwestern is the only FBS program that I know of that lost to a highway.
Also, Northwestern is winless against Akron, New Hampshire, something called the Denver Athletic Club, and geography.
People forget this, but Notre Dame is winless against UConn.
As a graduate of The Ohio State University and a native son of central Ohio, I have to push back on the very idea here of an Ohio State loss being funny, because all Ohio State losses are in fact catastrophes.
However, the Buckeyes are winless against Air Force, South Carolina and Cornell.
Oklahoma has beaten an awful lot of college football teams. But they've never beaten Navy, Indiana, Illinois, BYU or George Washington.
A surprisingly clean sheet. The only current G5 team to be undefeated against Oklahoma State is Air Force. In the old timey era though? That list includes Oklahoma City HS, Duquesne, William & Mary, and my personal favorite, 'Tulsa Businessmen."
No wins against Wyoming, Temple, UTEP, BYU, Georgetown or Drake.
Winless in two tries against Wake Forest. A surprising 0-3 against Boise State, and goose eggs against Harvard and Fordham.
Undefeated against Notre Dame. Very defeated against every P5 conference and the AAC. Winless against Grambling, Portland University and Cal St.-Long Beach.
A previous edition of this newsletter incorrectly identified Portland University as Portland State. Oregon State has never lost to Portland State in football. I regret the error.
The only current G5 program with an unblemished mark against Penn State is Toledo. Back in the day, that list would also include Yale (who is 7-0!), Columbia, and the Steelton YMCA, who I hear is demanding another game.
Winless against Iowa State, Hawaii, Air Force, Shady Side Academy and something called Latrobe AC, who I think plays soccer in Italy's third division.
Purdue is a combined 0-8 against Navy, Northern Illinois, Hawaii and Bowling Green.
They're a horrific 25-90 against fellow Big Ten opponents, have a losing record against the MWC, and they're well south of .500 against every power league...but they're surprisingly short on embarrassing winless opponents. Unless you want to count Washington & Jefferson (0-3), Williams, (0-2), or the Jefferson Medical College (0-1).
Winless against Hawaii (0-2), Indiana, Northwestern and the Augusta YMCA
Stanford is winless against East Carolina, because ECU is a better school than Stanford.
Winless in two tries against Bowling Green. Winless in one against Middle Tennessee State. Winless in eleven against Yale.
Have to stretch here, since TCU has avenged all of their shocking G5 losses at least once. But the Horned Frogs are still winless against Northwestern St, the Haskell Indian Nations, Fordham, and Decatur Baptist College.
Zero wins against Purdue, BYU, Virginia Military Institute and Dartmouth.
Winless against Northwestern, Air Force, Chicago and Harvard.
The Aggies are 0-2 against Temple, winless against Wake Forest and Cincinnati...and of course...Appalachian State.
No wins against ECU, USF, San Jose State or Miami OH.
No wins against Cincinnati, Baylor, Wyoming, Los Angeles Hollywood HS OR Bakersfield HS.
The Trojans are winless against Memphis, Kansas, Kansas State and the San Diego YMCA, who I hear is also trying to join the Big Ten.
Winless in four tries against Houston, three against Army, and FIVE against the Salt Lake City YMCA...which I assume was just a churchball team?
The 'Dores have never defeated a Pac-12 opponent.
They are also winless against Western Michigan, UNLV, Indiana, Fordham and Harvard.
Winning record against Texas though!
Virginia has also never beaten a Pac-12 team (0-7!). They are also searching for their first win against Ball State, Colorado State, Southern Miss and Louisiana Tech.
Zero wins against Kansas, Boise State, the entire Pac-12 or Virginia Medical College.
Wake Forest is 0-2 against Louisiana-Monroe. They're also winless against Air Force, Catholic, the Quantico Marines and Oglethorpe.
Not many funny options here, outside of Dartmouth, Chicago, and interestingly, a team called the Harvard and Yale Alumni.
Cougars are winless against Central Michigan, Tulane, Air Force, Denver and Detroit.
Winless against Hawaii, Dartmouth, Harvard, and the pride of my hometown of Granville, Ohio...Denison University.
A surprisingly clean sheet, as the Badgers have at least one win against every modern G5 opponent they've played. They are, however, winless against Columbia, the Carlisle Indian School, and something called the Calumet Club.
There you have it. I hope this information serves you well....and remember. Alabama is afraid of Rice.
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